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Saturday...
So....just for fun I decided to look into this diary and see what exactly I did on this date...October 2nd... And I find myself realizing how much things have changed in only one year... A year ago today, I was this carefree girl who in reality had nothing to worry about... All I cared about was the cruise and the same guys who kept on breaking me... I didn't care what happened tomorrow, only lived for today...and longed for the past that could never be... Now...I worry constantly about tomorrow...and all the tomorrows after that... I don't care so much for the past anymore...although I still miss little pieces of it...the "carefree" parts... And today...well...today is spent wondering how "tomorrow" will be... I never really cared about what happened to me, to tell you the truth. All I cared about was having fun. I never loved myself enough to actually think about the consequences of my actions. And I know it's dumb and I'm glad that's all over with now... I'm not gonna lie...I still think sometimes "what if?".... Like...what if I didn't get pregnant? What if things were exactly the same as they were a year ago? And the truth is, even though I do miss those days sometimes, I thank God that he got me out of it before I ended up hurting myself... Every night I pray that this baby will be okay...that I'll be able to watch her grow up...be able to bake cookies with her and put sprinkles on them...be able to take her to dance classes... Every night I pray that I'll be able to provide for her...give her everything she needs and never leave her wanting... Every night I pray that Bryan and I will be okay...that we'll get through whatever obstacles would come our way...that he'll be just as good 10...20 years from now as he is now... Every night I pray... And I hope that he's listening... I have a family now. Whether I'm ready for it or not, it's here. There's no more staying out till 6 or 7 or 8 in the morning and not thinking about who's waiting for me...there's no more going out every night and not ever worrying about anybody else but me...there's no more spur of the moment road trips...just because I want to go to some concert and party with "the band"... That's all behind me now...I have other people to think about now...and the weird part is that it's okay by me... I do miss it all sometimes...I do. I miss not having to worry about anything...I miss being carefree... But every time I feel this baby move inside me...and every time I think about the day I'll finally get to meet her...it all disappears... And all I want is for everything to turn out okay.
How the stars line up - 08.25.09 2008 already?! - 2008-01-07 Yet another transition... - 2006-09-27 Already been a year... - 2006-09-05 Too late... - 2006-06-30 |