2004-02-20 | 5:22 p.m.
<< Trust Issues >>

Friday...

So...I've been e-mailing back and forth with Joe lately...my Navy boy...and I know he regrets everything that happened in the past...and he keeps apologizing and stuff...but maybe he just keeps doing that because he's lonely...and when he comes back here he'll just end up being another ass. I guess I just doubt people way too much...I have this barrier that no one can cross...they can't get to me...I'm emotionally unreachable...and I personally think that's why things never work out for me as far as relationships are concerned...I guess when it really comes down to it, I'm scared to commit. I mean, I say that I want a sweet guy who would give me all the attention that I want (which is A LOT)...and when I do get it, I end up pushing them away and treating them like straight up shit. My sister and my friends tell me that all the time. My sister always asks, "What exactly is it that you really want?" And when it comes right down to it...I really don't know what I want...

Anyway, I guess I should just quit babbling...here are the e-mails we've sent each other recently, by the way...

Joe: HELLO JOANNE.. HOW ARE YOU DOING?? GOOD I HOPE. I'M JUST HERE CHILLIN ON THE SHIP AND WRITING YOU BACK. I KNOW THAT YOU DIDN'T WRITE ME FOR A WHILE, BUT DON'T WORRY, I KNOW THAT YOU WERE PROBLABLY BUSY. I WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT REALLY WENT ON, BUT THATS SOMETHING THAT I DON'T WANT TO DO OVER THE COMPT. ITS A LONG STORY THAT I'M PRETTY SURE THAT YOU WILL UNDERSTAND. ANYWAYS, LIKE YOU SAID, ITS BETTER JUST TO START ALL OVER AS FRIENDS.. BUT I DO HAVE TO APOLOGIZE ONE MORE TIME FOR TELLING YOU SOMETHING THAT WAS NOT TRUE AND RUNNING AWAY FROM YOU LIKE THAT. I KNOW THAT YOU TRULY DID NOT DESERVE THAT, AND THATS WHY I FEEL BAD. BUT I WANT TO START SOMETHING NEW AND THATS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. LET ME ASK YOU, DID YOU EVER GO ON THAT CRUISE THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO GO?? WELL, I'LL BE LEAVING JAPAN BY THE END OF THIS YEAR. I'VE BEEN HERE FOR A LONG TIME AND ITS NOW TIME FOR ME TO TRANSFER BACK TO THE STATES. I WAS PLANNING ON TAKING A VACATION OR A CRUISE THIS DEC. I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU AND IF YOU WANT TO GO, LET ME KNOW. I WILL BE GOING ON A 3-4 MONTH DEPLOYMENT NEXT WEEK, SO IF YOU WANT TO REACH ME, WRITE ME HERE.. I REALLY WANT TO START ALL OVER WITH YOU. TAKE CARE AND I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON.

Me: Hey, I'm doing okay today. This month's been busy as far as work's concerned. But it's all good. I'm actually liking it. As far as any kind of explanation, if you don't want to talk about it over the computer, that's fine. I guess it can wait until we can talk in person or over the phone. And the starting over as friends is a really good idea. I think it will actually be better for both of us, that way we can actually take the time to get to know each other a little better...instead of jumping into things and making a huge mistake. As far as the cruise I was going to take, we did go, after all. And it was fun! We went from January 12th through the 17th....and we got to see Cozumel and Calica. I got to snorkel for the first time and jet ski...and I can't wait till I do it again. If you're planning on going, I strongly suggest it. You wouldn't regret it. As far as me going with you...I guess it's a little too soon to give you an answer for that. After all, December is still a long time away...and we don't know what will happen by then. I guess you can say that I just want to play it by ear and see how things go. So you're getting deployed for a few months next week? Where are you going? Let me know what's up with you and keep me updated! Anyway, I guess I'll go ahead and get back to work. Write back when you can.

Joe: HELLO JOANNE.. HOW ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?? ITS 2000 HERE AND I'M STILL AT WORK.. I'M ABOUT TO GO HOME THOUGH BUT BEFORE I DID THAT, I WANTED TO WRITE YOU BACK. SO HOW ARE THINGS GOING FOR YOU BACK OVER THERE?? ARE YOU STILL WORKING AT THE SAME PLACE YOU WERE AT LAST TIME?? IF NOT, THEN WHERE AT?? ABOUT YOUR VACATION, I'M GLAD THAT YOU ENJOYED YOUR TIME. I'M PLANNING ON GOING THIS YEAR AFTER I TRANSFER WHICH WILL BE IN DEC. HOPEFULLY IT WILL BE AS FUN AS YOU SAY. WELL I'LL BE LEAVING JAPAN AND HEADING TO ALOT OF PLACES.. I WISH THAT I COULD TELL YOU WHERE I'M GOING ON THE COMPT. SO YOU COULD AT LEAST HAVE AN IDEA, BUT I CANNOT TELL YOU DUE TO SECURITY REASONS.. BUT IF YOU WANT SOMETHING FROM ANY OF THE PLACES WHERE I'M GOING, ASK ME. I WILL TRY TO CALL YOU WHEN EVER I GET TO MY FIRST PORT. I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON. I'M ABOUT TO HEAD OUT SO I CAN GO HOME..I LEAVE JAPAN ON THE 17TH OF THIS MONTH SO DON'T FORGET. TAKE CARE AND I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON.

Me: Hey, it's me...just here at work. So it sounds like you'll be visiting a lot of places within the next 3 months. Wherever you go (and I understand that you can't tell me over the computer) just take care of yourself. Oh, and yeah...I'm still working at the same place...and I like it a lot. Been here 3 years now and counting. I moved to another department and I like the people I work with. They're crazy. You should hear some of the stuff we talk about! Anyway, just wanted to reply to your e-mail. Gotta get back to work! Take care.

Joe: HELLO JOANNE.. HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS EVENING?? GOOD I HOPE. I'M HERE ON THE SHIP AND STUCK ON A DUTY DAY. YOU CAN AT LEAST SAY THAT I GOT THE WEEKEND OFF BEFORE WE GO ON THAT LONG DEPLOYMENT. I WILL KEPP YOU ON AN UPDATE AS WE GO ALONG. I'M GLAD THAT YOU LIKE YOUR JOB. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET BACK TO THE STATES. I KNOW THAT IT WILL BE SOON SO I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT. YO, I'M GOING TO SEND YOU SOME RECENT PICS OF ME.. I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM. TAKE CARE AND BE GOOD.

Me: Hey, it's me...still waiting on those pictures you said you were gonna send. Anyway, I'll try to scan my pics from my cruise soon so that I can send them over that way. Don't work too hard and be careful. Oh, yeah...Happy Valentine's Day. What did you end up doing? Any special dates? Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and get back to work. Just write back when you get the chance.

Joe: HELLO JOANNE.. HOW ARE YOU DOING?? GOOD I HOPE. ITS 0211 IN THE MORNING HERE AND I JUST GOT OFF WATCH. I'M SORRY THAT IT TOOK THIS LONG TO REPLY, BUT AS YOU NOW KNOW, I'M CURRENTLY OUT TO SEA. THE COMPTS. WERE DOWN AND THATS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I COULDN'T WRITE TO YOU. I'M GOING TO SEND YOU THE PICS THAT I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO SEND. I HOPE THAT YOU LIKE THEM. TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FOR V-DAY'S. I HAD DUTY THAT DAY AND THEN I HAD TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR THIS UNDERWAY PERIOD THAT I'M IN. WHAT DID YOU DO?? DID YOU HAVE FUN?? WELL MAMI, I HOPE THAT KEEP IN TOUCH. TAKE CARE AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE PICS.

Me: Hey, it's me. So how are things going so far? Good, hopefully. Just remember to be careful and eat all of your vegetables and say your prayer before going to bed (ha, ha...just kidding). Anyway, still waiting on those pictures you promised to send. I'm here at work. Fixing to get off in a few minutes. But I just wanted to reply back to your e-mail before I left. Everything's fine here so far. My Valentine's Day was pretty cool. We went out and had some drinks and stuff....and then went to a cookout. Did you know that it snowed here on Friday night and Early Saturday morning? That was pretty cool...everything looked white and pretty. Didn't last long, though. It all started melting in the afternoon. Anyway, I still have to scan some pictures from Cozumel, but I'll be sending those out to you as soon as I do. K...well, gonna go ahead and get on outta here. Take Care!

Joe: HELLO JOANNE.. HOW ARE YOU DOING?? GOOD I HOPE. ITS 0349 IN THE MORNING HERE AND I'M ON WATCH. I TRIED TO SEND YOU THE PICS THAT I PROMISED I WAS GOING TO SEND, BUT FOR SOME REASON THE PROGRAM THAT I HAVE THEM IN, IS NOT WORKING. DON'T WORRY, WHEN EVER I GET TO LAND I WLL UPLOAD THE PROGRAM AND SEND THEM TO YOU. LET ME KNOW AS SOON AS YOU GET THEM. SO DID YOU HAVE FUN ON V-DAY?? I DIDN'T. YOU KNOW THAT I HAD DUTY THAT DAY AND I STAYED INSIDE THE WHOLE TIME. ITS ALL GOOD. I DO MISS YOU, IF THATS WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW. I REALIZED SOMETHING ABOUT YOU. YOU HAVE GROWN UP ALOT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT YOU ARE DIFFERENT. ITS IN A GOOD WAY THOUGH.. WELL, I HAVE TO GO BACK ON WATCH. I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON. TAKE CARE AND BE GOOD.

Joanne: Hey, I'm just here at work...fixing to get off in a few minutes. Anyway, I'm doing okay. So how are things going so far with you? Too bad you couldn't send me the pictures. I guess I'll just have to wait. Oh, yeah...V-Day...it was okay, I guess. I just went out with some friends and stuff. I really had no particular "Valentine" if that's what you wanna know. Hmmm...so you miss me? Are you sure that's not just the loneliness of being over there talking? Maybe you'll change your mind when you get back...you never know. Anyway, thanks for the compliment on the whole "grown up" comment. I don't know if it's called growing up...just realizing a lot of things. I'm still the same girl, though...I still play around a lot...and I still have "trust" issues (but I am trying to work on that - it may be a hopeless cause ). Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and finish up over here so I can leave. We have our normal "girl's night out" tonight - we're just gonna go to Don Pablo's for a couple of margarita's and some chips and salsa...and talk about "girly" things...I'll talk to you soon. Take care and write back when you get the chance.

Joe: HELLO GIRL.. HOW ARE YOU DOING?? GOOD I HOPE. I'M HERE CHILLIN AND WRITING YOU BACK. I'M ABOUT TO GO AND GET ME SOMETHING TO EAT IN A LIL WHILE. SO YOU DIDN'T HAVE A VALENTINE?? WELL, I DIDN'T. LIKE I SAID, I WAS STUCK ON DUTY. JUST TO EXPLAIN WHAT I MEANT ON MY LAST E-MAIL, I DO MISS YOU JOANNE. I KNOW THAT I MESSED UP BY LETTING YOU GO LIKE THAT. I'M NOT GETTING NOTHING OUT OF THIS IF I WAS LYING. I'M FOR REALS. YOU WERE GOOD TO ME AND I DIDN'T HAVE A REASON TO LEAVE YOU LIKE THAT. BUT LIKE YOU SAID, WHAT HAPPENED, HAPPENED AND I'M NOT GOING TO THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE. I DO SEE THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP ALOT AND BELIEVE ME, I HAVE TOO. I CAN TELL THIS, BY THE WAY YOU EXPRESS YOURSELF. THATS A GOOD THING. ANYWAYS, I WISH THAT I WAS BACK IN THE STATES AT THIS TIME. I'M HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND WRITING YOU. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL BE THERE SOON. TIME IS GOING BY QUICK AND SOON MY TIME FOR ME TO GO WILL BE HERE! WELL JOANNE, I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON. YOU TAKE CARE AND HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH YOUR GIRLS OUT THERE.

Me: Hey, it's me...just here at work, as usual. So I just thought I'd write you a few lines. Anyway, I already know that you're sorry about what happened in the past...and I'm okay with it now. Like you said, there's no way you can go back and fix what's already been done. The only thing that we can really do is move on from here and start all over as friends...and I told you I'm willing to do that. Oh, yeah...remember when I told you I met your friend at Desperado's? The one who was in the army or something? Well...that night I told him that we didn't talk anymore because of what you did...and he said that he knows you really well, and that you wouldn't do a thing like that without any reason...and he also said that his mom and your mom are really close and that his mom had told him that you would talk about an Asian girl all the time...he said he thought that might have been me, but I told him I didn't think so...you might have been talking about someone else. I also told him that you had gotten married...and you know what he said? "No, he's not. Trust me, if he was...I would have found out by now, but I haven't heard anything." Anyway...just thought I'd tell you what we talked about....it was a loooong time ago, but I just wanted to let you know. Girl's Night last night was pretty fun. What about you? Any plans for the weekend? Okay...I guess I'll go ahead and let you go for now. I'm gonna go ahead and finish up so I can get outta here on time today. Talk to you later. Take care.

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