2004-01-21 | 4:55 p.m.
<< Loss of Benefits... >>

Wednesday...

So today's daily e-mails with Cindy dealt a little with Nelson...

Yes, he's that guy! Not THE GUY by a long shot, but he's THAT GUY. The one who's too daring for his own good. The one that all the other girls wants just as badly as you do. The one who's so bad for you...and you know it...but you crave for him just as much.

He's like chocolate. Or chips. You can't have just one. It's addictive. And it'll just end up hurting you in the long run.

I told her that as soon as he gets out...whether it be a week from now or a month from now...I'm going to have a talk with him.

I actually was planning on doing it as soon as we got home, when we have another one of our movie nights in complete privacy at his apartment.

Obviously that didn't happen.

So, I'll have to settle for when he gets out. Whenever that would be.

Anyway, I told Cindy that I'm going to tell him that I want to be strictly friends and that's it. Here's what I'm going to say, and I've thought about this over and over...

"You know that really hurt me when you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend. Cause you know you're my boy and we've been friends for a long time. I thought we were closer than that. And it sucked that I had to find out from my friends instead of you. And you know you're always gonna be my boy, but maybe we should just keep it cool like that and just stay strictly friends because I don't wanna end up getting hurt. I love hanging out with you and I have so much fun with you, and I don't want to lose that."

Maybe I should have given him this speech a long time ago. Maybe it's way overdue. It's just so hard sometimes. We've had this thing for about 3 years now...on and off...and I dunno...I guess we're just used to each other...coming back to each other when current relationships doesn't work out. But maybe it's high time we both grow up...

During this cruise, I realized that we're never going to be anymore than friends...with benefits or without...maybe I should be the mature one and end the benefits so we can grow into even better friends....

I also realized that even if we turned this thing into anything more serious...it's never going to work out in the long run, anyway...Why? Because I can't trust him. I just can't. If he has a girlfriend right now and he's still cheating on her...and didn't even bother to tell me about her and let me make MY choice....what makes me think the tables won't be turned around on me???

It sucks...because this is my boy. And I've grown even more accustomed to him after this trip. I miss bugging him, waking him up...dropping down on the bed beside him...him complaining that we don't fit on the little ass bed, and me telling him to shut up and take it like a man...

We have this weird relationship going on...and it just works for some reason...

I just wish everything was different. But like I've said over and over, you can't just wish things. Sometimes, it's easier to just let go.

So...I'm letting go of the benefits, but he's a hell of a friend to lose...and I won't have that.

Before | After

last five

How the stars line up - 08.25.09

2008 already?! - 2008-01-07

Yet another transition... - 2006-09-27

Already been a year... - 2006-09-05

Too late... - 2006-06-30