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Friday...
Another week...another day... I didn't get a chance to write yesterday, due to the fact that I had this excruciating migraine I couldn't get rid of. I had to leave work at 4...prayed that I would be able to drive home okay...change into some comfy clothes and just nap on the couch (my room is a lot brighter than the living room...and I needed to be in the dark)... Anyway, it didn't go away all night...I even said no to the club (imagine that!)...but I felt a lot better when I woke up in the morning. I bought a bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol today, though...just incase. Richard sent me a text message last night...asking if I was still coming to visit him...and I said yeah...he wrote a lot of other stuff I probably shouldn't be writing on here...all in all, he was just being silly...in a sexual kind of way. :-) Okay...maybe I've already said too much... Anyway, I have this tingley feeling in the pit of my stomach...have had it all day...maybe because of this trip...the anticipation...the not knowing... I'm really bad about stuff like that...and I can't seem to control this feeling! She called Cindy today and left a message on her voicemail...asking her to call back...and I got this nasty feeling in my stomach. I asked Cindy if she called back...and she said she hasn't yet...and she's not going to until she's talked to her brother first...just so she doesn't slip or mess anything up. Anyway, I guess I'm just gathering some thoughts in my head...things I should talk to him about...things I need to get out in the open and set straight. It's going to be hard, but I have to. After all, this is what this whole trip is about. To salvage anything that's left of our relationship...if there is anything left... But I have to know...so I don't keep wondering. Because sooner or later...this is going to drive me crazy. I love him that much. But I told Cindy, that the difference between now and 3 years ago is that then...I didn't think I would ever survive without him...and now I KNOW that I could...no matter how much it hurts...I know I'll live...and move on... And maybe someday I can actually find exactly what I'm looking for...even if I don't find it in him anymore... And that's what I'm going to find out. No matter how scared I am to find the answer, I have to know... And I have to prepare myself for the outcome. And I have to be strong. This is the strongest I have to be....Emotionally.
How the stars line up - 08.25.09 2008 already?! - 2008-01-07 Yet another transition... - 2006-09-27 Already been a year... - 2006-09-05 Too late... - 2006-06-30 |