2003-09-30 | 3:39 p.m.
<< Movie Night? >>

Tuesday...

Things...for me...are going really weird right now...I guess there's that air of uncertainty...of not knowing...

I've learned that you can't control people's actions...or how they feel...nor can you guess exactly what they're feeling...or thinking...and you have no choice but to wait...and see what's going to happen tomorrow...or the next day...or the day after that...

Richard...my baby...I think there's always going to be a spot for him...I'm always going to love him...and I know he's always going to love me...but is that enough? What if we're not the same people anymore? What if we find out that we can't have what we used to have anymore...no matter how much we want it? Or even...what if he goes back to her...today...or tomorrow? I guess that's why I don't want to get my hopes up...there's so much that I don't know...not anymore. And that uncertainty scares me...because with him...it's more than just about pride...

I didn't talk to him yesterday...maybe he was avoiding me...maybe he was really busy...or maybe she's back in his life...I guess I'll find out sooner or later...till then...my heart and my hope's not going anywhere but with me...

Nelson called while I was reading Cosmo in my room last night....he said, "I wanted to know if you wanted to come and watch a movie with me." And I went. I don't know why (well, I guess I do) but I went...I told myself...it wasn't a good idea...but I didn't listen to myself. I went, anyway. We just hung out in his living room and watched "Cool Runnings." It's this old movie about a Jamaican Bobsled Team. We were just hanging out...drinking a Corona...and there was something comfortable about it. My legs were curled under me on the couch...I was hugging a pillow...one of his legs were a little over mine...and he would make fun of how slow I was drinking my beer. And I would make fun of what an alcoholic he is. (Sigh)...he looks good! I would glance over his way...and all I would notice are his eyelashes...they're so long...and his eyes...a little droopy...seductive...

I used to make fun of how light he was...and I can tell now that he's been tanning...he looks...golden...nice. And his body...lean...chiseled...I'm gettin' goose bumps just thinking about it...My, my...he's beautiful...

After the movie, we watched some t.v...and I don't know how it happened, but he had his arms around me...and I liked it. I was playing around with him and telling him something when he just pulled my face towards him and kissed me....and he kissed sooo good. Of course I already knew that...but it felt good, anyway...

It was comfortable...nice...and I don't want to jinx it by talking about it so much...but I just can't help it. I have to let it out...at least here...where I can let out what I'm feeling...and no one can judge me...

Before | After

last five

How the stars line up - 08.25.09

2008 already?! - 2008-01-07

Yet another transition... - 2006-09-27

Already been a year... - 2006-09-05

Too late... - 2006-06-30