2003-09-22 | 5:24 p.m.
<< Letter to Richard... >>

Monday...

Richard,

I don�t know why I�ve been thinking about you so much lately, but I have. I try so hard not to, but I just can�t help it. I wish you were actually here for me to talk to�or that you can read my thoughts. But you can�t. And I know you probably don�t even care anymore. And I don�t know why I care so much, or that I can�t seem to forget about you. And I hate that about me. I hate that you�re the one who broke my heart, yet I�m the one who can�t seem to find something to replace what we had�and you managed to replace me so quickly. I guess I harbor this hurt because I keep asking myself, if you loved me so much like you claimed to, how can you just push me aside and forget about me? How can you replace me with someone else? How can you give your life to someone else knowing that you�ve already promised it to me? Why is it that I�m always the one on the losing end? Why is it my heart that�s always getting stomped on? Why is it that I can�t have the single thing I want the most? And you�you already have it. And it�s not me. Sometimes I wonder if you remember all the things we shared between us. How it was just you and I against the world. Sometimes I wonder if you remember all the dreams we shared. What we were supposed to accomplish together. Sometimes I wonder if you remember those nights when we would just hug and cuddle and talk�remember those phone calls that would last through out the night�those times when you�d fall asleep with me singing to you�or when I�d wake up in the middle of the night and you�re just staring at me�times when we�d always hold each other�s hand wherever we go and not let it go. Do you remember? Or am I the only one who still keeps all these memories stored? I have so many memories of you I don�t even know how to stop them from coming. Every little thing I see reminds me of something that you and I shared so long ago. And I don�t know why they�re all coming back so rapidly right now.

I guess what kept me going all this time was that little bit of hope that you�ll come back someday. That you�ll realize you�ve made a mistake and that you couldn�t live without me. But you�re not. You�re not coming back, and I have to face that. To think that after 4 long years I would have forgotten about you by now. But I haven�t. And I can�t seem to do it. No matter how much I try. Jecille said that sometimes you stare so hard at that closed door that you don�t notice the open window. The thing is�I don�t see any open windows. Just that closed door. The door you walked through and closed behind you�not even bothering to look back and care who you left behind. You promised to love me forever. But I guess forever�s just too long for you. However, I want you to know that I kept my end of the promise.

Sometimes I wish I still had you to run to when I get scared. Sometimes I wish I could still call you at any time I want and just vent. Just tell you all my anger, my frustrations�and you�ll comfort me and tell me that everything will get better. And that as long as you love me, that�s all that counts. Sometimes I wish I still had it that easy. But I don�t anymore. Now I have to face life by myself, without you. Now I have to be brave and face my fears alone. And sometimes, I have to be strong and tell myself that everything will be alright. Yes, you leaving has made me a lot stronger. But I sure do miss having someone by my side sometimes. Specially when things get really rough.

I know I have to be a better person and tell you that I wish for your happiness. But sometimes the selfish part of me wishes that things don�t work out with her and you�ll realize that it�s me who you�ve wanted all along. But I have to be realistic and know that it�s not going to happen. Because when it comes right down to it, she�s the one wearing the ring. She�s the one you�re going to marry. She�s the one who has you. Not me. Not anymore. I keep telling myself to move on. Keep going and never look back. Trust me, it�s easier said than done�at least for me. And maybe�just maybe�God�s listening to my prayers and gives me what I used to have�even it it�s not with you. Maybe someone can piece this heart together and makes it beat as a whole again�instead of piece by piece.

Anyway, I know I�m never going to give you this letter�but I hope I can talk to you like this and share with you my thoughts and my feelings. And if I do get a chance to doing that, I�ll let you know that I still love you and I always will. Sometimes I wish I could hate you�hate you for not being there for me like you promised. Sometimes I wish I felt anger instead of hurt. But I don�t. Because even after every thing, I�m still glad that I got to experience how it is to be loved and spoiled and appreciated.

Thanks for the memories. I hope you know that I�ll always keep them stored in my heart�locked and remembered.

I lalu...

Before | After

last five

How the stars line up - 08.25.09

2008 already?! - 2008-01-07

Yet another transition... - 2006-09-27

Already been a year... - 2006-09-05

Too late... - 2006-06-30