2003-09-19 | 2:27 p.m.
<< My Baby... >>

Friday...

Okay...I know I have a lot of stuff I need to get done...but I feel like I just have to let this out...

Well, since it rained yesterday and I didn't want to have to deal with traffic, I stopped by Cindy's on my way home. We went to eat at Cici's and then went back to her apartment to watch t.v. and hang out and stuff...and then we got to talking...about her and Ricky's childhood...and she started telling me how it was...

Imagine a little boy being dragged back and forth between separated parents...the other one too controlling...and the other one cared more about her boyfriends than she did her kids...

She said that when her mom left her dad, he was at work. And she just packed up and left and took the kids with her...and he (at 3 years old) was kicking at the car door and crying...as if he knew. Then she told me about one of her mom's boyfriends...how he had it in for Ricky...how he would buy her mom donuts and tell her not to give the kids any...and she would sneak them in to them when he's not there and tell them to hurry up and eat it...

She said one time her mom had gone out of town, and her and Ricky waited outside and sat on a rock until she got home because they didn't want to be inside the house with that man...and the man went outside and grabbed Cynthia and started running away from Ricky to make him cry...imagine a little boy running after his sister...the only one he had...crying because he took her...

My heart ached for this little boy...for this boy I love so much...and then I realized...no matter how much I try to push it away...I'm always going to love him...

I just wish I knew all of this before so that I could have understood him better. I used to ask him why he was so jealous...so possessive...and he couldn't give me a reason why. He said he didn't know...but he was just like that. Cindy said that he doesn't remember any of this, but I think...deep inside he does.

I remember when he came to my house a long time ago...and I took off with my friends and left him with my sister. He was sooo mad at me! And I didn't understand why. I just went to the mall with my friends. And now that I think about it, I feel so horrible! Because now I understand....

If only I know now what I didn't then...I could have taken care of him better...but I guess that's not my job anymore. That's her job now. Not mine. He's not mine, anymore.

And I guess I just wish that I could have just one more heart-to-heart talk with him before he gets married...so I can get everything out the way...how I feel...about everything...and how I wish him the best, no matter how much that hurts me still...and that for his sake, I'm going to let him go...because loving someone means wanting them to be happy...even if it's not with you.

Before | After

last five

How the stars line up - 08.25.09

2008 already?! - 2008-01-07

Yet another transition... - 2006-09-27

Already been a year... - 2006-09-05

Too late... - 2006-06-30