2003-09-16 | 5:12 p.m.
<< My Kiki... >>

Tuesday...

Performance Management Platforms...Self Assessment Forms...all that's in my head right now. We're supposed to be filling out this form about how we think we're doing at work and rating ourselves and all that. While some people over here wouldn't mind doing that at all...I'm sure they could come up with plenty of BS to fill it up and make themselves look good...I can't seem to get enough ego to put all that stuff in mine. So there I am...stating facts...and it sounds like a lot...and I think to myself, "Will she even believe that I'm doing all this because someone else says they do it, too?!" Hmmm...I guess we'll find out when review time comes around. I finally got to the point where I got sick of typing it all that I decided to screw it and save it for tomorrow. Tomorrow's another day.

As far as me...I've been thinking...sometimes that's my problem...I think too much...Beannie says that sometimes I analyze everything too much, even when they don't need analyzing. Anyway, this weird thing happened last night. Beannie and I were chit-chatting in the dining room, having one of our sisterly talks while she's doodling on a piece of napkin...when without thinking she just scribbles the word "Ricky" on there. Then she said, "I didn't even mean to put that on there! Do you think he's okay?" And for some reason...I just didn't want to think about it. I think it was last week...out of nowhere, I found the pendant he had given me. It was a gold "R". And to think...I must have stopped wearing that about 3 years ago...and I just find it now! The other weekend, I found my Senior Scrapbook, and most of it are just about him and me...and my friends...my life. And it was so nice and simple. Sometimes I wish things could go back to the way they were. But I learned that life is not made of wishes, no matter how much you wish for them to be. :-) Anyway, I had this urge to call him on his cell last night. But then I remembered. I can't do that anymore. He's getting married. And it's not ME. It's not me like we talked about so long ago. And a part of me is really sad about that. And a part of me says to move on and forget. I can move on, but I don't think I can ever forget. He was MINE. Really MINE. And I guess one of the reasons why nothing ever works out with me as far as relationships are concerned is because I want that idealistic-puppy-love-relationship that I lost. And I'm grown up now (sometimes) and I have to face that fact. But I can't right now. When I found out that he was marrying her, I pretended that I didn't care. But that night, I cried my eyes out. I think that was the last time I've cried up to now. And this was about a few months back. And it's weird, but it's like I can't cry.

Right now if someone would ask me how I feel emotionally...I really wouldn't know how to answer. I remember when I was once so open and honest with my feelings it's like everybody can see it. Now it's all guarded and locked up. And not even I can open it.

Sometimes I wish that I can just have an open heart-to-heart conversation with him like I used to have...but I know I can't. Even when he's around it's like he's locked himself away from me, too. I don't know what he feels anymore or what he's thinking. Come to realize, I don't know my Kiki anymore. My baby. He's not mine anymore. He's somebody elses. And no matter how uglier she is...she still has him. And everybody asks why...not even I can come up with an answer. And we're not as close as we used to be anymore that I can't just simply ask him why. I guess I'll never know...

Before | After

last five

How the stars line up - 08.25.09

2008 already?! - 2008-01-07

Yet another transition... - 2006-09-27

Already been a year... - 2006-09-05

Too late... - 2006-06-30