2004-01-02 | 9:51 a.m.
<< Realization... >>

Friday....

So it's the second day of 2004...that's pretty weird. Now I've gotta get used to writing down 04 instead of 03...

My Eve was alright...it had its ups and downs...so I guess this year won't be any different...at least I spent midnight with my girls...in the car...on the way to the club (something I told them I didn't want to be in at midnight)...but the thing with us is that...we can NEVER get ANYWHERE on time! Always late...something always comes up...or one or the other is never ready on time.

Anyway....

Yesterday we spent sleeping...like literally ALL FREAKIN' DAY. The only time we got up is to grab some grubb! Cindy and I would make fun of each other and say the other's lazy...so yeah...we watched music videos...they were doing a countdown for 2003 Music Videos...and ate...and slept. We hung out with Paula and Sandy for a little bit...but then we went back to my place and slept some more afterwards.

Michael called Cindy's phone to say Happy New Year. Turns out he's coming home from Iraq. Well, I'm glad he made it home safe. I talked to him for a few minutes...and he sounded sad. I don't know if it's just me...or the people I know who are in the military...but they join the service and become a different person. It's like they have to grow up overnight.

Cindy said that when she talked to Richard on Christmas Eve...that he sounded so sad...and that he sounded like he'd been crying. I hate for him to be like that. Because all I want is for him to be happy. And he's not. And I wish I can do something to make everything better for him. But I can't. He won't let me. I told Cindy that Erica should have gone over there to spend Christmas with him...knowing that he'll be alone. But she didn't. She's marrying this guy...and there's not an ounce of compassion and love in her bones. And I hate that he's still going through with it! But I told Cindy that he just has to realize it on his own. No one else can make him do that but himself. He needs to learn from his own mistakes, as hard as that would be.

I would hate for him to be lonely and miserable...but if that's what it would take to make him realize...then I guess so be it.

I told Cindy that I was actually thinking about taking the 26th off and driving over there to be with him on Christmas...but I can't do that to myself. I have to think about myself first before I think about anybody else...much as I love him. And it will just hurt me to know that here I am...always going out of my way to make him happy...and he's still going to marry her...in the end...it will still be her...not me.

And he's just going to have to wake up on his own...I can't always be there to lead the way for him...I can't always be there when he needs someone if he can't be there for me...not like he used to....

This is 2004...it's time for a change...I need to be stronger...more independent. I need to realize that I don't need a guy to make myself feel better...I can do that on my own.

I don't need to take crap from any guy...and I think I've been really good at that the past few months...even if it means losing a few people. If they can't understand that I need to be my own person...that I will have my bad days and my good days...and still be a friend enough to stay...then they're not worth keeping in the first place...

I need to realize that one day...everything will fall into place...I just need to have some faith...no matter how hard it is to keep it sometimes...

I just need to learn and grow on my own. Like everyone else...no one else can do it for me but myself...

Before | After

last five

How the stars line up - 08.25.09

2008 already?! - 2008-01-07

Yet another transition... - 2006-09-27

Already been a year... - 2006-09-05

Too late... - 2006-06-30