2003-10-26 | 5:50 p.m.
<< Closure... >>

Monday...

My weekend was bliss and pain all combined in one...but I needed it...

Just got home today...turned the 8 hour drive to 7...I only stopped twice for gas...that's how bad I wanted to make it home already...

The weather was really pretty, though...better than my drive over there...it was so windy on the way I was getting scared!

Anyway...we stayed in his room ALL WEEKEND...I got there at around 2 p.m. on Saturday afternoon...took a shower...a long one.. :-) and just chilled. The only time we left the barracks was when we went to rent some movies and grab something to eat. That's it. But it was really nice.

Funny how I can get in a "comfortable" mode with him so easily...even after all this time. It's like nothing ever changed. He looks exactly the same...he plays around exactly the same...he feels exactly the same. He felt perfect. It's like we belong together...but the thing is...we're not.

I loved falling asleep in his arms at night...and waking up at the exact same place in the morning. I love cuddling closer to him when I got cold. I love the little pecks of kisses we'd give each other while watching a movie...or when he'd kiss my neck while he's hugging me from behind. I love the way he holds my hand while he's hugging me. We have this connection...and I know I'm not the only one who can feel it. He just doesn't want to accept it.

I didn't realize how hard it was to have this "talk" with him. It hurt so bad. But I had to be brave. For me. I didn't drive all this way for nothing. So last night...before we went to bed...I asked him. I asked, "Are you really going to get married in January?" And he said, "Yes." And I said, "Why?" And he answered "Why not?" And I said, "Well, is she the one for you?" He got quiet...and he said, "I don't know." So I turned around...away from him...so he wouldn't notice the tears. And I said, "Well, you're stupid." And he said, "Why do you say that?" And I said, "Because you shouldn't get married for the wrong reasons. How are you going to marry her if you're not sure?" And he said, "Well, sometimes I think she is...but then I don't know." And I turned my back to him...and burried my face under the covers...and cried. He asked me, "Why are you crying?" And I couldn't answer...It hurt too bad to speak. And he said, "I don't like the silent treatment, you know." And finally...I said, "Because I can't stop loving you, no matter how much I try." And he got quiet....for a long time....

Finally he said, "Will you let me hug you still?" And I didn't answer...but I didn't push him away, either. I couldn't. I finally stopped crying after a while...and he just stayed quiet...hugging me.

I started writing things on his back...it was a game we used to play a long time ago. I would write stuff on his back and he would try to make it out and guess what it was. I wrote "Joanne"...and "Richard"...then I wrote "You suck" (he laughed at that one)...and then I wrote "I just want you to be happy"...then I kissed his back, said "Good night" and turned around...then he said, "Aren't you gonna write some more?" And I said, "Okay, last one." And then I put "I Love You."

I asked him if he's ever cheated on me...and he said "no"...and then he asked if I ever did...and I said, "Nope...never even thought about it." Then he said, "Don't lie. What about that one guy?" I said, "We were broken up. And I just talked to him. And as soon as we got back together, I told him right away." He got quiet...and I said, "You're quiet cause you know it's true." And he said, "I never said it wasn't."

We talked some more that night...about the old times...and it was nice.

We fell asleep in each other's arms....right before he did...he grabbed my hand, kissed it...and put it on his chest...next to his heart...like he used to do...and it hurt so bad...but I knew that it was my turn to let go. To store this weekend in my memory...and let go.

When we woke up this morning...I got ready...and I was watching him put on his uniform...and he looked so much like my Kiki...my baby...and I had to hold back the tears...he carried my bag to my car...gave me a hug...cupped my face in his hands and kissed me good-bye...

When I got in the car...I cried...I cried some more on the way home...and I had this heavy feeling in my chest...because I know what I have to do...and it's so hard...but I know that I HAVE TO DO IT. For me...

Like Cindy said, "I have to let go." I can't have him put her up on a pedestal with a ring on her finger...while I go out of my way to make him happy...I can't do it...so I have to do what I have to do...no matter how much it hurts...

If he was really meant for me...He would have come back to me already...but he hasn't. And I have to face that now. He's going to marry her in a few months...and where will I be? Tossed aside and forgotten? No...I can't let him do that to me...and I can't do that to myself....

So this weekend...I got my answer...and I know what I have to do...

And tomorrow...I'll be living my life again...and try to lock away his memories...move on...and never look back.

I have to quit trying to unlock that closed door...and find another way out...because I can't spend the rest of my life trying...

Before | After

last five

How the stars line up - 08.25.09

2008 already?! - 2008-01-07

Yet another transition... - 2006-09-27

Already been a year... - 2006-09-05

Too late... - 2006-06-30