2003-10-13 | 4:49 p.m.
<< Kansas Weekend... >>

Monday...

Okay...so the drive was long...and tiring...but it was worth it...

When he walked in though the hotel room...he looked exactly the same...it's like going back 3 years and finding my baby...the only thing was...he wasn't mine anymore...

And that hurt...

Cindy, him, and I hung out...we watched t.v....he showed us around the military base...we went to the mall...it was nice...just like the old times...

The only thing was...he wasn't holding my hand like he would have done in the past...

And the thought hurt...

She called while we were going into the military base...and I heard him say "I love you" really low...maybe so I wouldn't hear...but I heard, anyway...

God, how that hurt!

I was speechless for a while...I don't know if either of them noticed...it was like a blow to the stomach...hearing him actually say those words...and not meant it towards me...I wanted to scream...I wanted to cry...but instead I sat there...speechless...he was talking about the base...where everything was at...but I didn't hear any of it...just the three words going through my head over and over...and stabbing my heart over and over...

We went to the movies and watched Out of Time with Denzel Washington...it was pretty good...had me jumping in my seat and yelling out at the screen...he would look at me and laugh...like the old times...It still felt the same...

We went back to the hotel after that...Cindy fell asleep early...I stayed up to watch the music videos...he was on the other bed...just watching me...staring...and it gave me chills up and down my spine...

I would look at him and ask, "What?!" And he would just smile and shake his head and say, "nothing." He did it all night...he would toss...and turn...and stare at me...

I finally turned off the t.v...turned off the lights...and went to bed...but I couldn't sleep...it's like there was this magnetic force dragging me to the other side of the bed...

I looked at him...and he was still looking at me...and he had his hand out...wanting me to touch it...

That was the last draw...

I went over there and told him to scoot over...I told him I just wanted a hug...I really needed that...It was long overdue...

So I laid down with my back towards him...and he put his arms around me...we fit perfect...like spoons...he took my hand and held it tight...And it felt so good...

And the thought hurt that I couldn't have this all the time like I used to...that some lucky girl has my baby...and I don't...

I wanted to cry...but I held it back...

He kissed my neck...and I turned around and kissed him back...

And it felt so right...

He still kissed the same...and I remembered his special kisses...this was his special kiss...he was giving it to me...

I stayed in his bed till about 5 in the morning before I moved back to the other bed...cocooned in his arms...and I felt safe...and contented...just for the moment...

Once in a while he would give me a kiss on my forehead...and I loved every minute of it...

And I realized...that I'm never going to stop loving him...no matter how hard I try...and even if it's been 10 years from now...every minute I spend with him is always going to feel right...

I realized that this is the one thing I've been looking for...something I used to have...that no one else can give it to me...but this boy...who can't give me anything back...

And that hurt...

After we checked out Sunday...we went out to eat...at some place called "Whiskey Creek" and he got irritated with the waiter...I think he was jealous cause the waiter kept on eyeing me...and everytime he would talk...he would only look at me and not at Cindy or him...and he said that he didn't deserve a tip...and I told him not to be mean...

She called again while we were eating...and this time he didn't say it...he told her that he was eating and that he'll call her back later...and then pretended that she was cutting off and hung up the phone...without saying it...and I wondered why...

When we dropped him back off at the base...I didn't want to leave...again...that magnetic force just pulling me towards him...he gave Cindy a hug good-bye...and then gave me a long one...and then another one...really tight...and I put all my effort in that hug to let him know that I still love him...I wonder if he felt it...

So my drive home was full of thoughts...that's all I did all day...think...

And I kept asking God why it hurts so much...even after all these years...it still hurts...

And I've asked him so many times to bring him back to me...and he never did...I guess it's not his call...maybe he can't make people feel like they should...

I got home at around 11 p.m....I sent him a text message that said, "Home now. Had fun this weekend. Can't wait till next time." And he sent one back saying, "Happy you made home safe. Thanks for coming to visit me." And I replied with "I wanted to come. I missed you. Anyway, Good night."

And before I went to bed...I cried. The pain was so unbearable I just had to let it out...

I just wanted to call him and tell him not to marry her...that it would be a mistake...because deep in his heart...I know that he still loves me...I can feel it. And I know that we belong together...I felt it...it was right...nothing's ever felt that right before...

And if I could have him back...I'll hold him tight and never let go...

And I'll thank God for every day that he's with me...

And I'll be the happiest girl in the world...

But I don't have him...

And without him...everything feels so...empty...

Before | After

last five

How the stars line up - 08.25.09

2008 already?! - 2008-01-07

Yet another transition... - 2006-09-27

Already been a year... - 2006-09-05

Too late... - 2006-06-30