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Thursday...
Sometimes I find myself remembering the good ol' days...when it was so easy to trust people. And doubts never really crossed my mind. I find myself thinking back to the days when I would giggle with my girl friends and day dream about boys. How that first kiss would be like. How my first love would be my last. How sweet it all was going to be. Then you grow up and you realize that those are just silly girly fantasies that will never happen. Sure, there's always going to be that one particular boy...that special boy whom you shared many memories with. But does it ever last? No....it's sad, but true. I remember Richard....that puppy love. Back in the days when I thought it was real. But I've learned that real love lasts...so in this case, it was just imaginary. He probably only "thought" he loved me. But it faded...sooner or later...it always does. I remember the way he looked at me...that "I adore you" look. It was the sweetest look anyone's ever given me. Or when he'd catch me staring at him, he'd mouth the words "I love you" and smile....(Sigh!)...the memories. Of course it wasn't a smooth course...we had our ups and downs. He always was the jealous sort. Always demanding to know where I was and who I was with at all times. But I've learned to accept the fact that he needed me and was oh, so afraid to lose me. I was all he had at one point. And I felt sorry for him. But then he moved in with his dad and his new family and found comfort there...and slowly...things began to change. He started living his own life...apart from me...began having his own dreams...which probably didn't include me after a while...and then....after three years...it just stopped. All of it. And I was left longing for the boy that once was. Longing for the love I once had. And the pain was so strong I didn't think I was ever going to survive it. But like they all say, "time heals all wounds." Of course that scar will always be evident and things will never be the same...the pain will cease...but the memory of it will never be forgotten. At least I can honestly say that I came out a stronger woman after all of it. Just let whoever's next leave me....you can't break something that's already broken...therefore, there will be no more tears coming out of these eyes...I always tell them, "Go ahead...see if I care." And maybe...if I let myself...I would care. But I promised my heart never again. Every single time a promise is broken, my heart gets tougher. Maybe now it's made of steel....Now let's see the best man break steele.
How the stars line up - 08.25.09 2008 already?! - 2008-01-07 Yet another transition... - 2006-09-27 Already been a year... - 2006-09-05 Too late... - 2006-06-30 |